


You're my pain killer, when my brain gets bitter

by lifeinecstasy



Series: Luke centric OT4 [3]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), Youngblood - 5 Seconds Of Summer (Album)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, Bad Decisions, Comfort/Angst, Crack and Angst, Dark Crack, Domestic Boyfriends, Drama & Romance, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Established Relationship, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt Luke, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Out, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multi, Multiple Partners, Multiple Relationships, OT4, One Big Happy Family, Out of Character, Psychological Drama, Psychological Trauma, Sad Luke, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending, Serious, Slow Romance, Social Anxiety, Social Issues, Some Humor, Suicide Attempt, Threats of Violence, Trauma, Unhealthy Relationships, Unresolved Emotional Tension, emotional talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25446526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifeinecstasy/pseuds/lifeinecstasy
Summary: angst angst angst.. but happy ending
Relationships: Calum Hood & Ashton Irwin, Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin, Luke Hemmings & Ashton Irwin, Luke Hemmings & Calum Hood, Luke Hemmings & Calum Hood & Ashton Irwin, Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin, Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood, Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford & Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford & Calum Hood, Michael Clifford & Calum Hood & Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford & Luke Hemmings, Michael Clifford & Luke Hemmings & Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford & Luke Hemmings & Calum Hood, Michael Clifford & Luke Hemmings & Calum Hood & Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Calum Hood, Michael Clifford/Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Series: Luke centric OT4 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844008
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	You're my pain killer, when my brain gets bitter

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this, I'm going to start posting more regularly now, probably 3 times a week.
> 
> Title from "Painkiller" by Ruel 
> 
> -x-x-x-

Luke wasn't feeling particularly loved. He knew it was foolish and irrational but that awareness did nothing to dampen the feeling; in fact, it added to his misery because now he felt like a clingy shit. His band members were on their respective phones; Michael on the beanbag, Ashton and Calum draped over each other on the couch. Luke had gone to shower because it usually helps to take his mind off things. Usually. But today, even when his fingers were wrinkled and hair dripping wet, his mind still had no peace.

Luke knew what he wanted. He wanted somebody to tell him he was beautiful, needed that validation that he was someone's reason to live, needed a kiss, a sweet touch, a sincere good morning, and most importantly, he needed his boyfriends to care enough to notice.

They didn't; no one batted an eye when he entered the room, not even a smile sent his way. He encircled the living room, shredding water despite knowing how much wet floors annoyed the boys; if he couldn't get love, at least he could get someone to yell at him.

A minute into it, he huffed, returning to his room.

The other three would have noticed, had they not been so absorbed on Twitter. Often, we can care so much about people we don't even know the real names of, yet forget to pay attention to those right next to us.

"They're just talking to our fans, making sure they're okay" They had made it clear that Luke was getting no consolation from them, so this was what he had to do now, make himself believe everything would be alright.

He reached for his reflection. "You're being annoying, can't you see they're busy? They're doing this for the band and the fans and all you care about is yourself."

His body heated up, this wasn't going to end well. Glaring at his straggly hair and the dark circles under eyes that were a shade too cold; not warm, cozy brown like Calum's, or with the endearing, mischievous glint that Michael's had, or even the caring hazel shade of Ashton's eyes. His were penetrating ice, currently collecting tears.

"Who do you think you are huh? The world doesn't revolve around you and you have no right to think the boys will spend all their lives thinking about how you feel and making you happy and taking care of you so stop being so needy and get dressed before you get them late for practice!"

The glass shattered, making the others rush in. Desperate to avoid an explanation, Luke glanced at the clock. Oh no, they were going to be late!

"What the...Luke!" Michael rushed forwards, only to be herded back by Luke; he pushed them out, and the tears in, hoping it wasn't too conspicuous that he was balling his eyes out seconds ago.

"What is happening Luke?" Calum banged on the door and Luke rushed, maybe Calum was angry that they were late. But Luke knew it wasn't that.

"I'm hurrying, you should too!" At this Calum frowned but went to change anyway, not wanting to upset Luke more than he already was.

Nobody mentioned the elephant in the room during the car ride to the venue. They should have; Luke needed it, even if he didn't want it at the time.

"Hey, look at this!" Ashton scrolled to a comment under their latest performance at Firefight Australia. It read -

Normal people : Youngblood, say you want me, say you want me.

Luke Hemmings : Yongbluh, saiyuwami, saiyuwami.

Luke couldn't deny it, he did have a weird accent, and the vocal pills didn't help. Calum was laughing uncontrollably, Michael and Ashton looking at him and cracking up themselves. Luke found himself offering a broken laugh as well, even when he was breaking inside. That's the thing about bad days, each trivial thing affects you more and more until you snap. And Luke was this close to it.

They were performing a mixed list today - a few new ones, couple old ones, some ancient ones.

Luke's mind drifted to "If You Don't Know", a song he cherished because of how rarely they played it on stage, but was worried about today. You had to be in the right headspace for that song. Luke didn't want the words coming out with too much emotion, didn't want the fans thinking he was crazy. Artists aren't supposed to break down on stage; their performance, the fact that they can publicly discuss their problems is supposed to be proof that they have felt that emotion and grown from it, moved on, recovered. But had Luke, really? Right now, he didn't fucking know.

Even before their largest shows, there had been a tint of excitement coating the nervousness so Luke's cold shivers were in anticipation and not anxiety. Now, he was pacing backstage, Ashton having stepped out to make a last minute call, Michael and Calum back on their phones, posting about how excited they were for the show. At least someone was excited.

Then came their entry, and Luke fell behind as they were being herded towards the stage. All he needed was one of them to hold his hand, maybe give his hair a ruffle or his shoulder a pat. Anything, really, to know it was okay. To know that he was not insane to be feeling whatever he was feeling right now. But we don't always get what we need, especially when we need it as bad as Luke did.

First song : Valentine, or Valntyne as Calum spelt it on their Cocktail chats. Luke laughed, they were so drunk. When Calum gets drunk his eyes get darker, wider, deeper; and Luke always wishes he was sober to gaze into them because his drunk ass can't see straight. He shivers from the memory of Calum's intense gaze. Wait a second, he could feel other eyes on him now, hundreds, maybe thousands. Well, he did just laugh into the microphone in the middle of the chorus.

"Sorry, Luke's lost it a bit." Was how Michael handled it after the song ended, his sweaty form pressed against the guitar, clutching the neck like his life depended on it. How did Luke convince such a beautiful creature to be in his band? Despite himself, he felt so lucky.

The creature in question did not appreciate Luke's silence, "Oi Luke, look alive mate!"

"Yeah, yeah, sorry yeah, I.. This next song is called - If you...", deep breaths, Luke, "don't know".

Luke made it through the first verse without getting distracted by his bandmates or his ravaging mind.

Until...

"So go ahead rip my heart out, show me what love's all about. Go ahead rip my heart out, that's what love's all about."

Luke couldn't go on, not without the whole world witnessing his outburst, already he was beginning to sound like he was cracking open from inside.

So he did what cowards do, he dropped the microphone and ran. His bandmates followed him off stage - Ashton struggling to rush out from where he had settled himself for a long, rocking performance; a performance that Luke had ruined. The tears weren't stopping, and Luke isn't one to cry. Michael cries. Luke hides. The realization that he couldn't hide anymore just made him cry harder, the irony lost in his misery.

"Luke!"

"Wait up!"

"Where are you going?"

So many voices, so many words, but they were all classic, mundane, usual. Luke mistook their concern for courtesy. Of course they would follow him - they have to - they couldn't perform without him.

"Leave me alone!" His own words seemed cliched to him, so he dashed to the end of the corridor, only knowing that it could get him away from here. As much as Luke had wanted his bandmates to notice him earlier, he wanted them to leave now. The damage was already done, the fans probably hated him, comfort was of no use.

But you know we don't always get what we want. In fact, 99% of the time we get what we least want. So here Luke was, slouching on a bench behind the arena, cornered by three boys who refused to to leave without an explanation of "What this crap is about" in Ashton's wise words.

"Luke, you need to tell us what's wrong."

"No I don't. You don't care! None of you! You just care about how many fans we have and what they think about us. You don't care what I'm doing, what I'm feeling. You don't care if I need a hug, you won't care if I die." He looked into three pairs of astonished eyes, admiring their beauty one last time, "So you know what? Let. Me."

And with that, he was off on long legs he had thought useless up till now. The boys gave chase, struck with horror at what was happening, but more so at what was going to happen.

Luke remembered a bridge around here. Dammit, he'd forgotten! The delayed decision to turn left or right cost him his lead. In a flash he was engulfed in hugs; too weak - both emotionally and physically - to untangle himself.

Suddenly his cheek stung, mind reeling from the realization that he had just been slapped. What the hell? This day was getting crazier by the minute.

It was Michael. Of course, loud, boisterous, I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-anyone-but-if-I-like-you-I-will-kill-for-you Michael.

Luke loved him with all his heart, and would gladly admire him for days, but right now, he better focus on what Michael was screaming.

Calum rushed forward, pushing Michael, yelling back at him. Ashton shoved the two of them out of the way, and put his arms around Luke, who had to curl up because Ashton refused to grow.

"For fuck's sake Michael, the last thing he needs right now is you taking out your fucking temper on him!"

"Well forgive me for trying to beat some fucking sense into him! Does he think he can just say things like that? Fucking take off until we have to hold him down just so he doesn't take his own damn life? He can't do that Calum, he.." The words caught in Michael's throat, a phenomena Luke had only witnessed once before: the day Michael's grandma died.

Then Calum was clinging onto Michael, the latter's tears chugging down his cheeks, staining them with mascara.

"It's okay buddy, calm down. Luke's alive, see?" Calum pointed to him. Luke giggled, he was sure Michael could identify him, there was a 50-50 choice between him and Ashton, there was no need to point.

Michael walked over, smudging the tears, reaching out to caress the cheek he just slapped.

"Fuck you Luke. Fuck you and your fucked-up emotions."

"Says the guy who was just bawling his eyes out." Luke smirked, somehow still finding the sass in him. It was a reflex from Michael's incessant teasing.

Michael got him back alright, grabbing Luke's face and plunging his tongue down the younger man's throat, the other hand tickling the back of Luke's neck.

Luke laughed into Michael's mouth, loving the way it curved round his own.

"Don't you ever leave us, you douche" Michael's green eyes glowed in earnest, and Luke knew this was as good as it gets. So he embraced it, falling into Michael's arms, and then Calum's and Ashton's too.

"As long as you don't." Luke whispered to the wind, and the sky, and the stars, and his boys.

**Author's Note:**

> -x-x-x-
> 
> Comments and/or suggestions would be nice :)


End file.
